


Temporary Insanity

by Two_Guns_And_A_Knife



Category: Stephanie Plum - Janet Evanovich
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-07
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2017-11-11 15:23:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 41
Words: 13,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/479960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Two_Guns_And_A_Knife/pseuds/Two_Guns_And_A_Knife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of mini-stories about Temporary Insanity.  Starring: A Couple Uniform Cops, The Man of Mystery, etc.. Please note that the chapters may not be in a timely order.  Theme Song of this story: "You Might Think" by the Cars.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It Wasn't My Fault

**It Wasn't My Fault**

It wasn't my fault.

I honestly did not plan to do this.

It just...kind of happened on its own.

One minute I was devouring my fourth piece of Pino's pizza, the next second I was suddenly on the other side of the table, holding the man I loved in a death grip and kissing him with all I was worth. "Marry me." I said huskily when we finally broke apart for oxygen. I never took notice of the sudden dead silence around us. I was too busy staring straight into his beautiful dark brown eyes.

"Jesus Christ, Carl," Big Dog croaked.


	2. A Housewife, Alright

**A Housewife, Alright**

On their wedding night, he gave her a surprise gift. A copy of _**Cookbook For Dummies**_ and a cute little pink lace apron that she can prance around the kitchen in. "And hopefully with nothing else under it," He whispered in her ear seductively.

"But you know I can't cook!" She protested in dismay.

"Cupcake, I have faith in you." He held her prisoner with his trademark melted chocolate eyes. "You will master cooking in no time at all."

"But..." Her beautiful innocent blue eyes were now full of panic.

"No but, Cupcake," He put his finger sternly on her lips. "My mom will be here everyday to teach you everything from cooking to house cleaning. You'll be a great housewife just like her." He placed a kiss on her soft warm lips. "This is going to be our dream life. We'll make it work. We'll become everybody's dream family!" He held her in his arms and twirled her across the floor. "And we are going to have beautiful babies, a lot of beautiful babies! Grandma Bella will be so happy..."

And thus their life as a newlywed couple came to an abrupt end.

She stood there dazed. Holding in her shaking hands was the treasured birthday gift from her mentor, the mysterious Man in Black: a custom-made black marble Batman cookie jar that weighed more than 20 pounds. Her husband lay dead on the floor. A big pool of blood oozed out from his head. "It wasn't my fault." She murmured.

Three months later, the _**Housewife from Hell**_ , formerly known as the _**Bombshell Bounty Hunter,**_ was found not guilty due to temporary insanity.


	3. Vordo

**Vordo**

_Babies._

_Beautiful babies._

_A lot of beautiful babies._

_With his enchanting midnight dark brown eyes._

_With his luscious Mocha Latte skin._

_With his dazzling trademark almost smile._

_And his silky smooth straight hair..._

She moans dreamily.

And starts punching holes in Batman's condoms.


	4. Bob Misses You

**Bob Misses You**

Food, plates and cutlery were thrown into the air and scattered everywhere.

People around the table stumbled to their feet as several almost inhuman growls and snarls sounded from the floor.

"Why do you have to ruin my life?" One fierce punch to the nose.

"Why can't you just walk away?" Two vicious slaps to the face.

"Why can't you just leave us alone?" Three intended bone-cracking blows to the stomach were suddenly cut off, as the Man of Mystery snaked his perfectly muscled arms around his bride's waist and pried her off the whimpering cop.

"Stop coming to my parents' for dinner and telling me 'Bob misses you' already!"


	5. A Traffic Ticket

**A Traffic Ticket**

She woke up screaming, her eyes wide with fear and tears.

She jumped out of her queen size bed, pulling on the first piece of clothing she found and ran out of her door bare-footed. She was down the stairs and out of her apartment building in a blur. She got in her car and drove like a crazy New Yorker, ignoring all the cursing, horns, screeching brakes and traffic lights.

Before the car fully stopped, she was already out of it and running toward the elevator **.** The doors of the elevator opened and a man in black SWAT uniform stepped out. She threw herself into his muscled arms and whined like a baby, " I saw you die in my dream!"

He tightened his arms around her violently shaking body and kissed her lovingly. "It's only a dream, Lula baby." Tank said gently.


	6. The Holes

**The Holes**

"Babe,"

"No!"

"It's getting late,"

"So what!"

"The pot roast will be dry,"

"I don't care!"

"Your mother will be worried,"

"She's always worried!"

"She made you pineapple upside down cake,"

She put a hand over her watering mouth.

"And chocolate layer cake."

Her eyes went glazed.

"Your sister and her clan will be here too,"

That dragged her back to reality.

"They won't save you any cake."

She unbuckled the seat belt and was out of the car in a blink.

He laughed softly, wrapped an arm around her shoulders and propelled her toward the front door. "Did I mention that you'll have the honour to break the happy news to them?"

"What?"She whined. "You can't do this to me!"

He lovingly placed a kiss on the top of her head. "I'm not the one who punctured the condoms, Babe."


	7. Boston Creames

**Boston Creames**

The fight was fascinating. The awestruck onlookers clapped and cheered when " _Lady Gaga_ " had " _Poe's Raven_ " by her wrinkled neck, and shook her like a pitbull with a shrieking rat. The uniform cops arrived and hurried to break the two spitting, hissing grandmas apart. The crowd gave a collective sigh of disappointment and dispersed reluctantly with excited muttering about flying clotheslines and tackles.

The colorful dressed old lady showed her bicep triumphantly as the black-clad loser was dragged away by her police detective grandson. She then went back into the bakery and graciously took the last box of doughnuts from the smiling owner behind the counter.

"Have to get these Boston Creames for my great grand Batbaby."


	8. Endless Love

**Endless Love**

She sat up in bed with a start. Her bedside lamp flickered for a few seconds and then went off. The small but tidy room was now full of moonlight. It was so quiet that she could hear her heart throbbing. Suddenly she felt the familiar tingle on the back of her neck. And then she heard three times a faint voice whispering her name. It was the voice of the one she loved. And it was spoken in pain and sorrow.

"I am coming!" She cried and ran out of her room. "Wait for me!"

She threw open the front door and looked into the dark and deserted street.

"Where are you?" She screamed at the top of her lungs.

The people living along the narrow street let out a collective moan. Somebody had to tell Grandma Bella there was no Edward


	9. Just Dance

**Just Dance**

"It's about time for you two to have a baby."

"Huh?"

"I said, it's about time for you two to have a baby."

The brunette bounty hunter choked on her fifth piece of pineapple upside down cake and was nearly killed by the following coughing fit. She looked up at her mother with teary eyes. "I'm not going back to Morelli this time. We are through. Done. Finito. And I really mean it." She almost fell out of her chair in shock as her mother snorted. Yes, that's right, her well-mannered, perfect Burg housewife of a mother just snorted. And in a very unladylike way, mind you.

"I didn't mean that scum you used to date." Her mother waved a disdainful hand. "I was talking about Ranger."

She gaped at her mother in horror and disbelief. "R..Ranger? You were talking about Ranger?"

"Yes, of course I was talking about you and Ranger." Her mother said matter-of-factly, giving her head a tiny shake as if amazed at her daughter's stupidity. "I'm sure the two of you will produce the most beautiful babies."

Her eyes went glazed as she pictured a beautiful little boy...

_with his father's enchanting midnight dark brown eyes,_

_with his father's luscious Mocha Latte skin,_

_with his father's dazzling trademark almost smile,_

_and his father's silky smooth straight hair..._

No. don't go there. She gave herself a firm mental slap. "Mother, are you insane? I can't possibly have a child with him! I mean, we're not even sleeping with each other..." And that was exactly the reason why she'd been eating anything with sugar in them like carzy for the past 3.5 months. God, how she wanted to jump on him and tear all those clothes off his perfect body with her teeth and run her tongue along... _ **Get a grip!**_ She slapped her forehead so hard that she almost fainted. "We...I can't. I just can't."

Her mother put her most treasured china tea cup on the table and narrowed her eyes. "Why not?"

"He doesn't do relationship. And I can't do casual." She could feel her face burning. She was over 30 and now here she was, sitting in her parents' dining room, talking about her (lack of) sex life with her mother.

"You had no problem sleeping with that scum, and from what I've witnessed, you two were never committed to each other. If that's not casual, I don't know what that is.

"And as to 'he doesn't do relationship', he's always been around to help you out all these years. He loans you cars, he gives you jobs, and he keeps you safe whenever you're in trouble. I can recognize a relationship when I see one." Her mother reached a hand across the table and held her hand. "You can't expect a man to open his heart to you when you're stuck with another man in an unhealthy relationship. If you really love him, go to him and tell him you love him before it's too late."

"But...but he once told me he wouldn't do stupid things like marriage. Or babies." She whispered.

Again her mother snorted. "It's 21th century, child, it's totally okay to live together without marriage, and a lot of people in Europe don't do marriage and they live just fine. As to babies, maybe he'll change his mind someday. We'll have to wait and see. And don't forget you yourself don't want marriage or children either. Now go to him and come clean with all your feelings for him. Don't let the one true love of your life slip through your fingers."

She kissed her daughter on the cheek and watched her drive away toward the direction of Haywood Street. She went back inside the now empty house and turned on the DVD player in the living room. She then started to dance to Lady Gaga's songs. If everything went well, she would soon have a beautiful caramel-skinned grandchild. _Just like the extremely handsome Latino dancers on the screen!_ She thought happily.


	10. The Other Man

**The Other Man**

She sat up in bed with a start. Her bedside lamp fell to the floor and went off. The room she had once shared with her dead husband was now bathed in darkness. It was so quiet that she could hear her heart throbbing. Suddenly she felt the familiar tingle on the back of her neck. And then she heard three times a faint voice whispering her name. It was the voice of the man she still loved but hadn't chosen. And it was spoken in pain and sorrow.

"I am coming!" She cried and ran down the stairs. "Wait for me!"

She threw open the front door and looked into the dark and deserted street.

"Where are you?" She screamed at the top of her lungs.

The people living along the narrow street let out another collective moan. Somebody had to tell Grandma Bella there was no Jacob, either.


	11. Alternative Story

**Alternative Story**

The fleeing man barged into his friend's office, slamming the door shot, dark brown eyes bulging with fear as if a raging, firing dragon was right behind him. "Save me!"

The 6' 1" Mocha Latte male perfection gave out a sigh, stepped out from behind his desk, and gestured his terrified friend to hide under it. He then calmly counted to three and opened the door to his seething Babe.

"I'm gonna kill that rat bastard!" She screamed like a demented banshee.

The Cuban Sex God pulled the love of his life into his arms and held her close to his heart. "Calm down, Babe. Please."

He waited until her heartbeat and breathing rate dropped back to normal and continued. "Stop reading online fan fics in office hours, and please remember, Santos has nothing to do with all those Tart stories."


	12. Fearless Love

**Fearless Love**

He gently picks her up and holds her cold, damp, shaking body to his warm, muscular chest. He knows she has no one to turn to and no place to go. He still carries two guns and at least a knife all the time. His life still doesn't lend itself to relationship and commitment like this, and sadly it's exactly what she needs. But he has fallen in love with this white angel and her beautiful blue eyes at first sight, and he can't just walk away from her like last time. So he makes up his mind, against all reason and common sense, to challenge fate.

What he's going to do is dangerous for the both of them, and the consequence may be fatal. But he loves her too much to give up a future with her. So he takes her back to the 7th-floor penthouse apartment and puts her in the big, soft bed. He looks down lovingly at her peaceful sleeping face and swears to do whatever it takes to protect her. And her unborn babies, too. He smiles and places a large, tender hand on her swollen belly, and nearly jumps out of his smooth ebony skin as a thick stash of cash flies out of nowhere and smacks him on the back of his shaved head.

"Take this and go buy a house with a fenced yard and move in with all your cats ASAP." The familiar soft, calm voice of his boss and friend sounds behind him. "This is your last warning. Don't ever hide stray cats in my apartment again when I'm in the wind.


	13. Breaking Dawn

**Breaking Dawn**

Her eyes are all sparkling. Her red lips are soft and inviting. Her hair dances in the midnight wind like the waves in deep ocean. She has on only the thin, creamy lace dress. Her bare feet stand out against the rich blood red velvet carpet. All around is still and quiet, not a soul, not a life moving. She shudders in the engulfing darkness, and keeps on waiting. And waiting.

The tall dark handsome man puts one large warm hand over his tired brown eyes. He then looks upward as if praying. He sighs and picks up the thick wool shawl and a pair of satin white shoes from the passenger seat and leaves his SUV. He approaches her slowly and silently, wraps the shawl around her slightly shivering body and sinks down on one knee to put on her shoes gently.

He's one of Trenton's best detectives. But Hell he has absolutely no idea how to tell Grandma Bella she and Edward are not going to have a biracial baby.


	14. Love Needs A Little Risk

**Love Needs A Little Risk**

What will any reasonable ordinary woman do under this circumstance? She thinks faintly and sneaks a peek out of the corner of her eyes. Do you surrender to your basic animal instincts? Or do you try your best to uphold your dignity as a self-respecting educated woman? Do you follow your head? Or do you listen to your heart? She feel like suffocated, drowning and dizzy. She knows she really, really wants to do this, but she's too much afraid. What if her impulsive action leads to something she can't handle? Can she live with the possible life-changing consequence? There will be no turning back if she takes this step forward. Is it true that life without risks is not worth living? Well, she guesses there are certain things in life an independent grown-up woman has to find out by herself. So she takes a deep breath, letting her inner cave woman take over.

And jumps Ranger's perfect delicious bones in Joyce Barnhart's closet.


	15. Inside The Closet

**Inside The Closet**

She holds her aching head in both hands. Silently and desperately she says another prayer and looks upward pleadingly as if seeking divine intervention. But, alas, all she can see is still the same small hole in the ceiling. 97 friends, neighbors and relatives have already called, and now the phone is unplugged, of course. The news has spread through the whole Burg like wild fire engulfing Bambi's Forest. Right now even death looks more promising and appealing than public humiliation like this. She grabs her half empty bottle of Wild Turkey, gulps down the amber liquid in one long pull, and then finally loses it and rips open the peace and quiet of the neighborhood with a shrill wail.

The people of the street flinch and wince upon hearing the soul-piercing "Why Me?". Yes, they sure feel extremely sorry for poor Angie Morelli. Life has never been easy for her, it seems. She married a notorious cheating drunkard. Her eldest son is just like his father. Her mother-in-law is more than probably a crazy witch. And now all of a sudden the one and only pride and joy of her life, the highly praised police detective Joseph Morelli, is involved in such a scandal. The people of the street sigh and shake their heads with sympathy. No, none of them saw it coming.

One of the two police officers sitting across the table gives the sobbing woman another box of Kleenex inside the interrogation room. The blonde known as the Mafia Barbie blows her nose a couple times before starts talking. Yes, Joe loves to pay her surprise late night visit. 1 or 2 times every two weeks in the past, and 4 or 5 times per week now that Stephanie Plum has finally dumped Joe's sorry ass and moved in with Ranger. Yes, she knew Joe was planning something special because Christmas is coming, but tonight she just lost it and shot Joe in the butt when he jumped out of her bedroom window. It was just too much for her to bear when she came home to find him in her closet with...Terry Gilman bursts out crying so hard that she can barely breathe. The police officers grimace at each other. Yes, they have already heard the rest of the story through the grapevine of the Burg, and have lost their appetite for midnight snacks consequently.

In the ER of the hospital, the doctor looks down at the tall dark movie-star-handsome gunshot patient's hairy white behind with a vampire-like smirk on his face. Oh yes, he's pretty damn sure he's going to really enjoy this graveyard shift. He happens to be the husband of one of the patient's former Cupcakes, you see.

Joe Morelli recognizes his doctor and curses his fate. He then tries all his might to ignore the snickering and snorting from the nurses around him. He closes his eyes and prays that he can somehow find a way to repair his relationship with Terry. He swears to God that he has absolutely no idea what came over him the moment he walked into Terry's spacious closet. It was like all those hot, spicy, sexy nighties, pantyhoses, bras, thongs and high heels were suddenly summoning him like Sirens calling the sailors. And before he knew it, he was already in blood red bra, thong, transparent nighty and 4 inches high heels and face to face with a horror-stricken Terry...


	16. Think of Me: A Sequel to Love Potion "Excalibur 18"*

**Think of Me: A **Sequel to** _Love Potion " ** **Excalibur 18"*****_**

Like the shadow of the darkest night he slips inside the church unnoticed and then silently weeps the moment the woman he loves dearly exchanges her vows with the other man in her life. Will she think of him tonight while sleeping in another man's arms? He wonders. Will she think of their stolen kisses? Will she think of their dark alley? Will she think of the moments of passion they shared inside his car, his office, and her closet? He knows this day will be coming. But it's much sooner than he expects. He wipes away another drop of crystal tear as the movie star handsome groom kisses his bride and the guests clap and cheer. With a heavy heart he quietly turns and leaves once again unnoticed. She always wants a house, a dog, and a steady life. But that's what he can never offer. No matter how much he wants to go down the aisle, take hold of her hand, and run away to the end of the world with her, he can't just give up everything his life. Not even for her. Because it will not be good for the both of them. Love makes people do all kinds of craziest things, but temporary insanity is no excuse for being stupid.

Softly he whispers his goodbye to the new Mrs. Joseph Morelli (née Barnhardt) and drives back to his bonds office. Getting sealed inside a block of concrete and sunk to the bottom of a river like the duck he once loved so much by Harry the Hammer, his father-in-law, is definitely not on Vincent Plum's To Do list.

*** FF id:7503608**


	17. Be My Valentine

**Be My Valentine**

Valentine's Day is near. You can smell it in the air. You can feel it in the breeze. You can taste it on the lips of the person you love. And you can most certainly spot it in every single shop and restaurant in the whole Trenton, with the exception of Pino's. For the first time in the authentic Italian pizza place's 42-year history, there will be no Valentine's Day special this year. Why's that? Some innocent, curious souls may want to ask. What's wrong with those cute heart-shaped chocolate banana pizzas with vanilla ice cream on top that you can share bite by bite with your loved one? Or those sweet, romantic strawberry, tropical fruits and fresh cream spaghetti the two of you can share with one fork? You can make a small fortune by selling these on Valentine's Day, you know. And why say no to easy money in today's economy?

Well, the truth is, the 73-year-old owner Filippo "Pino" Luciano surely loves and cherishes every opportunity to earn more money, but unfortunately he has gotten more than a lifetime's share of fluffy, sappy, and romantic atmosphere in the past two weeks. Don't get Pino wrong. His body may be old, but his mind is still young and as open as the clear blue sky. He loves to see love birds of all ages, races and genders enjoy their meals and each other's company in his cozy little restaurant, but, somehow, having to watch two times a day for the last 14 days Carl Costanza and his _partner_ Brad "Big Dog" Clooney share a plate of meatball spaghetti Lady and the Tramp style is just too much for his fragile heart...


	18. Cupcake...

**Cupcake...**

"Cupcake," He teases.

Her lips thin.

"Cupcake," He breathes.

Her eyebrows lurch.

"Cupcake," He whispers.

Her eyes twitch.

"Cupcake," He purrs.

Terry Gilman draws her Glock 17 and shoots Joe Morelli between his eyes. She stares down at his forever frozen smirking face, pulls out her iPhone and makes arrangements to dump the body. She has told him a thousand times not to call her Cupcake. But the rat bastard never listened. And she's having PMS.


	19. Cupcakes

**Cupcakes**

"Cupcake," He teases.

"Cupcake," He breathes.

"Cupcake," He whispers.

"Cupcake," He purrs.

Passion deepens.

Lust grows.

Vinnie Plum and his secret lover Joe Morelli lock eyes. And jump each other.


	20. Beautiful Man

**Beautiful Man  
**

The desperate man presses the knife to her throat. Her misty blue eyes are wide with fear. He will cut her pretty little head off if they don't drop their guns ASAP, he claims. Raindrops keep falling. The night air smells salty and crisp. The men in black remain silent and still. He steadies his hand and takes aim. She bites her lips hard to suppress her sob and gasp.

 _Drop your guns!_ The beefy man screams, _NOW_ —

He pulls the trigger and shoots the man, three times, through the brain. The heavy body crumbles to the ground. The knife drops from the suddenly frozen hand. A drop of crimson blood slowly rolls down from the thin cut on her neck. He never misses a target. He never likes threats. Fast and efficaciously. That's how he was trained to react. He checks her wound and wraps her in his tight embrace. Nothing a band aid can't fix. He lets out a sigh of relief. She's not in shock. She's trying to look brave. But he knows she's scared to death.

And she had, and still has, trust in him.

He gives out clear and direct commands. His men set to work and make the necessary calls. His black shirt muffles and absorbs her tears. The FTA they've been planning to bring in for weeks—as well as her mousy skip—is long gone and nowhere to be seen. His eyes fall to the unmoving dead body. Two and a half million dollars, dead or alive. He feels like wincing and smiling at the same time. Another worthless life effectively deleted from FBI's Most Wanted List. Another dangerous crazy criminal mysteriously attracted to her path.

Soon the Feds and the cops arrive. He gives the details. He answers the questions. Both her tears and panic have ceased. Her arms lock around his waist. Her face remains hidden in his chest. A navy blue Ford SUV screeches to a stop. A smile escapes to his lips. The Italian Stallion, as expected, is here. He hears the excited whispers. He feels the curious gazes. He looks straight into Morelli's famous melted chocolate eyes. He holds her tight and safe in his arms. He doesn't say a word. There's no need for that. The 2 senior FBI agents come over to grin their grins and shake their heads, and accidentally nudge a fuming and somewhat confused Morelli out of their way. They are free to go now, the Feds say. And congrats, the reward on that scumbag's head is 3 millions, not 2.5.

Everyone hears her gasp.

They all know she knows Joe Morelli is right there staring at her back. They all know she has an important decision to make. They all know maybe now it's finally the time for her to choose her life's path. She breathes in his warmth, his scent, and his strength. She knows she will remembers the look in his calm and unrelenting eyes till the day she dies.

"Can we stop on the way home to grab Shorty's pizza... and Rex?" She tightens her hold of his waist and bravely asks. _  
_

 _Babe,_ He softly says.

And they all know that is a Yes.


	21. Revenge, Bloody Revenge

**Revenge, Bloody Revenge  
**

"This is for what you did in your father's garage!" She yells and punches him in the gut.

"This is for what you did on the damn bakery floor!" A couple mean nasty backhanded slaps redden his stubbed cheek.

"This is for what you did to a naked women in the middle of her shower!" A wicked left hook lands on his jaw.

"This is for 'Bob misses you', 'The boys miss you' and all the shameless lies you told!" She hisses like a King Cobra and knees him in his groin. "And for looking down a woman's shirt to see her breasts by the roadside in broad daylight!"

Joe Morelli rolls in great pain on the floor. People inside Pino's gape and gulp as their pizzas and subs drop onto the tables or plates. They then give a collective gasp and wince and cringe when the little old wizened lady in black kicks her favorite grandson viciously in the ribs like a professional thug.

"And this is for telling me Edward and Jacob are not real!"


	22. Irresistible

**Irresistible**

I look into his clear dark brown eyes. I sense the heat radiating off his perfect muscular mouthwatering body. Hundreds of thousands of butterflies dance and soar inside my stomach. He is such a beautiful man. I always, always want to have a taste of his full soft lips. I always, always want to feel his smooth flawless Mocha Latte skin. It's now or never. I can't wait forever. Gather your rosebuds while you may. Life is too short and too precious to live in regrets. Carpe Diem. Live your life. Grasp the chance. Seize the day. The longings within my heart whisper in my ears. I've got only one chance left for true love and happiness. I can no longer ignore the powerful attraction and pretend I don't feel a thing.

My morning doughnut falls from my hand. All of a suddenly I am on the other side of the desk, desperately trying to wrap the man of my dream in my hairy arms and kiss him on the lips. All of a sudden something explodes in my head. I blink slowly in confusion and pain. I find myself lying on the cold hard floor. I taste blood in my mouth. My smashed jaw hurts like Hell. I hear people gasping and snickering all around me inside the police station. I know I may have lost more than a couple teeth.

"Jesus Christ, Joe," Big Dog half croaks, half laughs. "Did you just try to jump Ranger in front of all of us?"


	23. Batman

**Batman  
**

He reacts out of instinct without thinking. He knows what he's capable of doing with his bare hands. He's a perfectly trained and skillful warrior. He used to be a calculating, merciless killing machine owned and operated by his country. He cherishes his personal space. He keeps his privacy. And he never ever likes Joe Morelli. Or that trademark garlic/cheese/beer breath. The half-eaten jelly doughnut drops onto the ground. The hairy Italian flies toward him with pursed lips. Nonchalantly he slashes out a well-timed fist and hits the target. He feels the impact and calmly estimates the damage. Concussion. Broken jaw. And 3 front teeth. He could have killed that idiot had he chosen to. But he was in a fairly good mood and had better things to do. The uniformed cops and detectives double over and laugh themselves silly. He nods at the teary Captain and turns around to leave. His best friend and second-in-command doesn't bother to hide his cat-like grin.

He smiles his barely there smile and starts his Porsche. He's a determined and strong-willed man who controls his own life and runs his own company. He's a smart man who knows just about everything. His son is going to be born at the end of the coming spring. He has found the most beautiful sapphire and diamond ring for Stephanie. He will never forget the shock and surprise in her wide blue eyes when she learned she's carrying his child.

And he has known all along there were holes in his condoms.


	24. Summer Day Breeze

****Summer Day Breeze** **

Yep. She's pregnant.

She looks down at the 12th pregnancy test in her trembling hand and suddenly doesn't know how or what to think. Will he want her to keep the baby? Does she want to keep the baby? Does she know how to be a mother? A human baby is not a hamster. It—she, he—will demand much, much more than food and water. The child will need love, commitment, and constant caring. Is she ready for this? Is he ready for this? They will have to make drastic changes. They will have to make huge sacrifices and a Hell lot of compromises. She will need to get a crib, bottles, pacifiers, diapers, baby powder and baby wipes. She will need to get a nursery and tons of stuffed toys. She will need maternity clothes. She will need super comfortable but ultra ugly shoes. She may not be able to fit in her old clothes after giving birth to their baby. And what if the child looks like her, thinks like her, and has her car karma? And what if...what if something really really bad happens? What if she dies while giving birth? What if the baby doesn't make it? Who's going to be there to help him live through his grief and sorrow? Will he sit in the dark empty apartment staring into nothing till dawn comes? Will he bury himself with work till he becomes numb?

_No no no! Don't go there! Think positive thoughts!  
_

She wipes away her tears and take s a deep shaking breath. She needs to focus on the task at hand. She needs to—but what if the hospital makes a horrible mistake? What if they take the wrong baby home? What if they can't track down the other couple? What if they and the baby get separated forever? Or what if her car blows up and she has a miscarriage? What if some crazy psychopath stalks her, kidnaps her, and somehow cause her miscarriage? What if one of his old enemies comes back for revenge and steals and kills their baby or sells him into slavery? What if she fails to protect Baby Carlos and keep him safe? How is she going to live with herself? How can she forgive herself? How can she let go and move on with her life?

Tears flood down her face. Her breath catches in her throat. An incredible pain swells inside her heart and fear clutches at her soul. She drops down to the floor and cries. She's a magnet for disasters. She's the laughing stock of the whole city. She screws things up and blows cars up. She's practically a good-for-nothing. She drags people into trouble, constantly needs help, and can't even protect herself. She makes her mother worry. She gave her ex-boyfriend ulcers. She frustrates the hell out of everybody. She chases after bad guys for a living, but she almost never carries her gun and she always forgets to charge her stun gun. Nobody takes her seriously. She doesn't take her life and herself seriously. People laugh at her behind her back. Her stalkers and skips snicker and smirk right in her face.

And now she's pregnant. How is she going to protect herself and her baby? How is she going to tell the man she loves she probably forgot the pill the day he came back from a 13-week mission in a 3rd world country and now she's carrying his baby? How is he going to react when she tells him the happy news? What if he doesn't want this baby? What if he doesn't want her, either? What if he tells her he will marry her to give the child his name and then they will get a divorce? She doesn't want to be like Rachel and Julie. She wants their child to have the chance to learn to know and love his father. She wants him to love her and their baby. She wants more than a marriage certificate and a diamond ring. She wants to be Mrs. Carlos Manoso till the end of time. And maybe when Baby Carlos grows older, they will have a second child: another beautiful little boy; she's going to name him Félix. Yes, she always likes Félix Hernández, the ace of the Seattle Mariners and AL Cy Young Award winner. The confidence and determination in King Félix's eyes remind her of her Batman from time to time. Félix will be a perfect name for her brave, clever second son...

"Babe," Large, strong, warms Mocha Latte hands come out if nowhere and gently grab hold of her shoulders. She widens her eyes but isn't scared. She doesn't know why, but somehow she knows he'll be here.

"We are going to get married." Beautiful midnight dark brown eyes lock with her teary wide blue ones.

"I love you." A barely there smile lazily forms on those perfect lips. "We are not going to divorce."

She blinks in surprise and slight confusion. Her hands travel to his rock-hard abs. He gathers her into his arms and tenderly kisses her on the lips. Can she believe her ears? Did she hear that right? They are going to start a life together? They are going to spend the rest of their lives in happiness? It's not a trick her stress and worries play on her, is it? It's not a dream, is it? He feels so real, so true, and so solid. She loves him so much her heart may burst...

"No, it's not a trick or a dream, Stephanie." Ranger cups her face in both hands and solemnly says. "But I'm going to name our son after Phillie Phanatic."

She gawks at him like a dumbstruck turkey. 3 days later they get married. A little more than 7.5 months later, after 21 hours of labor, Baby Carlos is born. 3 years later, on a beautiful starry night, the second Bat Baby arrives. And no, his name is not Phillie Phanatic.


	25. For It Tolls For Thee

**For It Tolls For Thee**

The day he died the sky was clear.

I was drooling over my mother's pineapple upside down cake when my world came to an abrupt end. It was a call from Tank. He was calm and almost cool. But still I heard the shaking of his soul and the sound of his silent tears. The phone fell from my hand. I was surprised I wasn't dead. My heart had just broken. The meaning of my life had just ceased to exist. The love of my life was gone. Why was I still here? I looked down at the ring on my finger. A drop of tear fell down my face. I thought I saw my mother's worried face and heard her worried voice. I was all alone in this world now. All alone. I suddenly felt so cold, so desperate. I thought about putting my gun to my head. All my misery would quickly end. I wouldn't be drown in my sorrowful tears. I would cross the river and join him in death. I would see his beautiful almost black eyes and hear him call me "Babe,". Now that he was dead, I wouldn't live.

Suddenly I felt something. The baby was kicking in my belly. Our baby. Our little boy. The child who would be born in 3 months. The child who would never see his father. The child we both loved. The child I had to protect. I let my soul cry. I let my tears flow. I let my pain into the air. I was a mother now. I had to be brave. I would take good care of myself. I would sing a lullaby to our child. I would show him the photos and tell him about his father. I would tell him his father was tall dark handsome mysterious and perfect. I would tell him his father could read my mind and was better than Batman. I would tell him his father loved him like no one else. I would tell little Carlos why I decided to give him his father's name. I would watch him laugh. I would watch him grow. I would watch him turn into a man. I would watch him fall in love. I would watch him put the ring on his bride's hand. I would watch him hold his first child in his arms.

Then one day I would sit on the sun-lit porch with a smile on my old wrinkled face and a purring cat on my lap. I would smell the spring flowers. I would feel the gentle breeze. I would close my eyes and see the man I love. He would smile at me and take my hand. Together we would walk into the setting sun, listening to our grandchildren's laughter...

I wake up with tears and snot on my face. I am in panic mod. I need to find Ranger. ASAP. I need to feel his warmth. I need to feel his pulse. I need to be sure he isn't dead. I dump everything in my bag on the bed with badly shaking hands. I manage to speed dial his number but get his voice mail. Like a willow in the hurricane I start trembling. "I love you, Ranger. Please don't die." I give out a loud sob and grab my keys. I run out of my apartment. I run down the stairs. I don't care if I forgot to lock my door. I don't care if I forgot to change my clothes or put on my shoes. I just jump into my car and drive. I wipe at my tears and step on the gas. Suddenly I see a flash of blue and red. I hear the sirens coming from behind. My tears keep falling as I stop by the side of a busy road. Someone taps at my window. It's Joe Morelli. He's smiling like a butcher's dog.

"Congratulations, Cupcake, you have just broken the one-hundredth rule. May I see your license, please?" Morelli gives me a white-tooth grin and smugly says.

I need to find Ranger ASAP. It's a matter of life and death. But now this shameless hairy rat bastard has to block my way. Why can't he just slip his stupid tail between his stupid legs and quietly walk away? Why can't he just dig a hole, jump in, and drop dead? I narrow my teary eyes. I feel my anger grow. I feel my blood boil. I think of my dream. I recall my pain. And then everything becomes a blur. I vaguely feel the wind on my face. I vaguely hear someone, or something, growl. I vaguely hear someone, or something, scream bloody hell. I don't know how much time has passed. I feel tired and worn, like I have just finished the Boston Marathon in record time. I am safely locked in a pair of perfect muscled arms when I come to my senses. I smell the familiar scent of Bulgari and warm Ranger and I just melt. Ah, the relief I feel. He's still alive. I can sense his breathing. I can feel his warmth. He's right here wrapping me tightly in his arms. If I try real hard, will I be able to hear, sense, and feel the calm reassuring beating of his heart?

"You are alive." I look up into Ranger's smiling eyes, grab hold of his black t-shirt, and kiss him hard. The universe disappears but I am no longer afraid. His existence shines through the darkness like a brightest star. It calms my soul. It settles my heart. It gives me strength. It shows me love. It drives away my worries and fears. He's here by my side. He's kissing me back...Wait, is he silently laughing at me?

"What happened?" I blink in slight confusion when the kiss ends and weakly ask. All around us people are happily chatting, laughing, and taking pictures with their phones, their concentration solely focused on something crumpled on the ground. Did I just hear a few painful moans? Why did the voice sound so familiar? What are all these people talking about? Is there a human being under that pile of bloody rags? Oh my God, has anybody called 911?

"Babe, you speared and rock bottom Morelli and beat him up. According to the eyewitnesses, you completely outshone The Rock and Roman Reigns. It was way better than WrestleMania and TLC." Ranger cups my face in his gentle warm hands and softly says, "I love you, too, Stephanie. I'll try my best not to die. Just remind me not to piss you off."


	26. The Truth Will Make You

**The Truth Will Make You**

"Get off my lawn!" He shrieks at the top of his lungs. But as usual, no one gives a damn. He has no choice but pull the blanket over his head and tries his best to ignore the noise.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Rangers and Babes, Cupcakes and Muffins, we've finally come to the last stop of our tour." The 30-something Asian American tour guide cheerfully says through his megaphone as the enthusiastic tourists get off the bus. "Here we are at the Slater Street. The house behind me is the world-famous Morelli residence, owned by none other but our very own hairy Detective Joseph Anthony Morelli. Watch your steps, please. All the holes on the lawn are dug by Bob the Dog. The dead plants over there at the corner are believed to be withered rose bushes. Yellow roses, of course." The excited tourists laugh and keep taking pictures. Bob the Dog jerks awake, sniffs the air, and then jumps out of bed and runs downstairs.

"Traitor!" He screams at his drooling dog.

Outside on the street the pleasant-looking tour guide informs the tourists they have 15 minutes of free time to look or shop around. "You can feed Bob if he comes out, Ladies and gentlemen, Rangers and Babes, Cupcakes and Muffins, but please remember: no shoes, no socks, no bras, and no thongs!" The tourists and clap and cheer as the big orange dog runs out of the nice cozy 2-story house through the doggy door. Bob barks and wiggles his tail happily and the street vendors start yelling at the top of their lungs:

"Beer, beer, beer, beer!"

"Peanuts! Ice cream! Coke! Clam chowder!"

"Hot dogs! Bagels! Burritos! Buttered corn on a cob!"

"Postcards! Friendship rings!"

"Pizzas! Meatball sub! Pot roast! Mashed potatoes!"

"Cupcakes! Cupcakes! Garlic flavored cupcakes with real furs!"

"Get the fuck off my lawn!" He shrieks at the top of his lungs. Oh yes, he knows each one of the street vendors; they used to be his nice and polite neighbors. But ever since Stephanie quit being a bounty hunter and published her first book and international bestseller ** _Cupcake: A Life Of Lies_** , things changed drastically in the blink of an eye. Life as a celebrity doesn't suit him. Even though his whole family is thrilled that they are now as famous as Kim Kardashian, Johnny Depp, and the ever so lovely and cute Snooki. Everywhere he goes, fans and paparazzis follow. Every day he receives tons of letters and gifts from fans around the world. Men and women of all ages and races with yellow roses in their hands run after his navy blue Ford SUV asking him to marry them or "Take me to your dad's garage! Joe!", "Ravish me now and write about me on bathroom walls, Joe!".

He lets out a sob and squeezes his eyes shut. Oh God, they are driving him mad. He sometimes receives anonymous hate mails. People he has never even met call him a child molester and sex predator. People he has never even met send him waxing wax, duct tapes, eyebrow tweezers and all kinds of hair removal products. One day he came home from work to find "Cupcakes are muffins with plastic surgery!" painted on his house. Last week the governor came to TPD to shake his hand in front of cameras and present him with a medal because: "Tourism is good for the local economy. People of the State Of New Jersey can't thank you enough, Detective Morelli!" Yesterday afternoon a bunch of high school girls swarmed into his mother's house for Grandma Bella's autograph. Some of them even asked Bella if her maiden name is Swan.

And now he's had enough.

"Get the fuck off my lawn!" He sits up and shrieks at the top of his lungs. "This is no fucking Yankees Stadium! I'm calling the cops!" But as usual, no one gives a damn. His voice slowly dies away in his lonely empty house. "Damn you, Cupcake, damn you." A drop of tear rolls down Joe Morelli's cheek. And Stephanie is now Stephanie Manoso.

 


	27. To Be, Or Not To Be

**To Be, Or Not To Be**

"Geez, Stephanie. Just make up your mind and choose one side. Stop overthinking everything. Life is not that complicated. It can be very simple if you let it. Capisce?" Connie rolls her eyes as Stephanie frowns in fierce concentration and bites her lip.

"White girl, open your eyes. You're not dumb. You're not blind. The truth is right there jumping up and down waving at you right now. Just woman up and be honest with yourself. You know what you really want. We all know what you really want. You're a good person. You deserve to be happy. Stop lying to yourself now and let the truth set you free." Lula says in wise reasonable tone. Stephanie blinks and blushes fiercely.

"Oh Jesus fucking Christ!" Vinnie throws up his hands in frustration. "This's not quantum fucking physics! Just follow your heart, make up your mind, and pick one, okay? Time is waiting for no one. The clock is ticking! We are all dying here!"

Stephanie first gapes at her cousin and then at her two friends. She turns her pleading eyes to Ranger but the Man of Mystery simply raises his brow a fraction as if saying:"You're on your own, babe." The uncomfortable tension and silence drag on for a few seconds. She closes her eyes and lets out a breath. There's a new strength in her being the moment she opens her eyes and makes her choice. She's suddenly tired of the strong smell and lingering taste of garlic and cheese. And she knows what Ranger wants. That's what truly matters. She fishes out the special 50% off opening day coupon of the new Chinese restaurant and proudly announces: "Chinese. We are having Chinese today!"

And the final break-up between she and Joe Morelli that very night is epic.


	28. Babe

**Babe**

I feel the anger. I feel the fire. I feel the rage. I feel the helplessness. I am bone tired. I am not happy with my life. I am not happy with myself. I can't find the thing I need the most no matter how hard I try. Now my whole body starts to ache. I'm tired of waiting. I'm sick of the endless rain. I'm sick and tired of cupcakes. Stale cupcakes. Cold coffee. Worst combination in the history of mankind. Parody of my life. Yep. I am the talented Miss Stephanie Plum. Very very good at setting things on fire. Expertise in fucking things up. My messy, too small apartment feels like a prison. I hate feeling caged. I have no place to go and no one to turn to. I want to go far far away. I don't want to end up alone. I'm tired of saying "It's complicated." The world is a cold lonely place. I am on the verge of tears. The Land OF Denial has somehow lost its charm.

Someone walks in my door without knocking. I turn around and stare at the box of doughnuts in his hand. Jam and custard filling. Maple syrup. Powdered sugar. Cheap chocolate coated on the outside. Deep fried in hot oil. Tall dark handsome familiar Italian man.

"Cupcake," He smiles his famous tempting smile and crooks his arrogant finger. "Come here."

My eyes glaze over. I snap. I grab hold of my frying pan and throw it at his too big head. I knock him out cold. It wasn't my fault. I am having the Grandma of all PMS. He's too hairy for me, anyway. I drop my frying pan and grab Rex and my bag. If the mountain won't come to Muhammad, Muhammad must go to the mountain. I am going to get myself some buttery salty cheesy popcorn.

And then I am going to ambush Batman in his too big bed.


	29. Italian Stallion

**Italian Stallion**

He feels the hunger. He feels the thirst. He feels his throbbing desire. Love and lust. Who cares what. He has needs. He's a healthy normal man. He knows what he needs. He knows what he wants. He knows what he deserves. He has standard and demands. He has no time for silly questions. He puts his trademark smile on his face. He lets himself in. No. He doesn't need to knock. She looks hot. She looks cute. He shows her the box in his hand. He likes the little black dress that barely covers her assets.

"Cupcake," He crooks his finger. "Come here."

Her eyes glaze over. His smile deepens. Before he knows it, her frying pan hits his head. He crumbles to the floor with a muffled groan. His eyes roll back into the back of his extremely painful head. His nervous system shuts down when she kicks him in his family jewel and snarls like a crazy beast.

"How about  _ **YOU**_  make me a sandwich instead?  _ **CUPCAKE?**_ "


	30. My Fair Lady

**My Fair Lady**

_Ah, they do look perfect together. He's tall, dark, lean, and dashingly good-looking. She's slender, spirited, cute, and pretty. Yes, together they will build a beautiful family and make energetic children. They both love pizza and pasta. They both love cupcake and doughnut. They support the same hockey team. He used to be a mean nasty boy. But now he has grown up into a mature man. He has a respectable steady job. Rumour has it that he'll soon get a promotion and pay raise. And he does have a lovely house on a safe quiet street. If only they can find a way to stop fighting over meaningless things. If only she can stop being so willful and stubborn. If only she can grow up and learn to be more practical. If only she can wake up from her crazy silly dreams and realize it's time to settle down and start a life. A real life._

Helen Plum watches on in her car and thinks wistfully to herself. If only someone can talk some sense into Stephanie. None of her family is helping. Valerie is having another baby. Now that the baseball season has begun, Frank pretty much ignores everything else—except for his mashed potatoes and pot roast, of course. Her mother—Helen fights the urge to roll her eyes and crosses herself—is crazier than a bat. And Stephanie, sadly, never ever listens to her. Helen lets out a small frustrated sigh. It's tough being a mother. It's tough being the center of town gossip. It's tough watching your family being the reigning laughing stock of the whole community. It's tough having a daughter like Stephanie: she was molested at 6; she was ridiculed at 16; she got divorced in her 20s; she started blowing up things before she turned 30. Dangerous criminals keep trying to kill her. Demented stalkers keep trying to kidnap her. Helen herself had to run someone over with her car to save Stephanie's life. She never told anyone, but she still has nightmares about that horrible scene, and she just can't stop feeling the guilt. She has sinned. She has taken away a man's life. And she still doesn't have the courage to confess to Father Dominic.

Why does life have to be this difficult? She just wants Stephanie to be safe. She just wants Stephanie to be happy. She just wants Stephanie to have a normal life. She just wants Stephanie to be like everyone else. She's tired of worrying about Stephanie all the time. She's tired of hearing...things about Stephanie and Ranger. It's not that she doesn't trust or like Ranger. She knows Ranger is a smart, hard-working young man, and he has helped and saved Stephanie for countless times. It's just that...he's too different. No one in her family(or neighborhood) speaks Spanish. And he has been married once. And he already has a child. And he lives a complicated life. And Stephanie keeps telling everybody Ranger is not interested in marriage, relationship, and babies. He's not exactly family material. And Stephanie always, always comes back to Joe. Helen lets out another sigh, grabs her bag, and gets out of her car. She's here for doughnuts and some Italian cookies. She plans to have Stephanie and Joe over dinner tonight. Maybe she can help Stephanie forgive Joe and take him back. All it needs is just a little push. Every mother is familiar with the art of applying pressure. Every mother knows how to make their children feel guilty. Hopefully it won't be long before Stephanie stops fooling around and becomes Mrs. Joseph A. Morelli.

Helen Plum puts a pleasant smile on her face and walks toward Tasty Bakery. Joe Morelli takes another step closer to Stephanie and leans in.  _Ah, he's going to kiss her by the side of a busy street. How sweet._ Her smile deepens, and then freezes. She stops dead, blinks, and feels dizzy. The world starts spinning. Everything seems unreal. And finally, realization dawns. Helen can feel all her raging emotions deep down within. No. They are not kissing. He hooks a finger in Stephanie's collar. He leans in, trying to peeking at Stephanie's breasts. He's leering at Stephanie. He's looking at Stephanie the way a hungry drooling dog looks at a slice of pepperoni. Suddenly something cracks and shatters inside Helen Plum. Everything turns black in front of her bulging eyes. She vaguely hears voices and all kinds of strangest sounds. She feels like she's flying. She feels like she's diving in deep blue ocean. She recalls the day she gave birth to Stephanie. She recalls the pride and joy in her heart when she looked at Stephanie's sweet little face for the very first time. She recalls the smile on her face the afternoon Stephanie learned to say mama. Helen smiles at her memories, and then the light comes back.

Helen blinks slowly. She's breathing heavily. She's still standing. She's still trembling. She's clutching the string her bag tightly. She can still feel her murderous rage. She hasn't been so angry in years. Not since the day she stepped down hard on the gas and mowed down the rabbit. Helen turns her head and finds Stephanie gawking at her. She's aware that people are looking. She's aware that Joe Morelli crumples on the ground in a heap. She's aware that he's moaning in pain. Someone has beaten Joe Morelli up pretty bad. And Helen believes she knows who that someone is. "Did you take him back?"

"What? No! Of course not! I was about to slap his hand away when you...when you..."

_When you showed up from nowhere and beat the crap out of him like a crazy bitch._ Helen finishes the sentence in her head and almost laughs at her own wording. Well, it's 21st century now and she does watch TV. What Stephanie said makes her feel both proud and relieved. "Good." Helen smiles at her stunned younger daughter, happily noticing that they have the fierce same blue eyes. Maybe, just maybe, it's finally time to stop worrying about Stephanie. "Come over for dinner tonight. Bring Ranger with you." Nope. She's not ready to quit pushing, and she, as well as the rest of the Burg, knows perfectly well where Stephanie spent the night last night, and the night before last night. And the night before that...

 


	31. Joe's Cupcake Place

**Joe's Cupcake Place**

He moved on. He let go. He made up his mind to be happy. He deserves to be happy. He's a good man. He's just hairy. He didn't sell his house and move away, though. He didn't quit his job, either. But one day he will rent a little place. One day he will open a little shop. One day he will start his cupcake business. He will take baking lessons. He will obtain all the required licenses. He will hire his mother and aunts as bakers. His little cupcake place will specialize in unconventional cupcakes. Break-up cupcakes. Divorce cupcakes. Funeral cupcakes. Worst wishes cupcakes. Voodoo cupcakes. His beautiful little cupcakes will ease the disturbed minds. His beautiful little cupcakes will please the Dark Lord and even the Grumpy Cat. He will become the new internet sensation. He will become world-famous. He will make tons of money. He will spend his days and nights baking and whipping buttercream. He will be successful. He will be rich. He will be laughing. He will be happy. He will buy himself a bright red Lamborghini and drive it through the Trenton streets. He will be envied. He will be the new American Dream.

He looks himself in the mirror. He doesn't have the strength to wipe away his tears. "Damn you, Cupcake, damn you." Today is Stephanie's wedding day. And he's not even invited.


	32. Joe's Cupcake Place 2

**Joe's Cupcake Place 2**

"Mom, there's a hair in my cupcake!"

They shut down his cupcake place. For good.


	33. Joe's Cupcake Place 3

**Joe's Cupcake Place 3**

He dreams about his cupcake place.

He dreams about the sweet sugary scent.

The light and fluffy texture. The sweet, buttery goodness. The colorful sprinkles.

His beautiful cupcakes. Racks and racks of cupcakes.

Freshly baked. Perfectly decorated.

Easy to the stomach. Tender to the tongue.

Sweeter than a midsummer night's dream.

His precious Cupcake.

His chance to happiness.

Now lost.

Forever.

Just because of his chest hair.

It wasn't his fault.

He was born this way.

He cries himself awake.

He no longer has a cupcake place.


	34. Joe's Cupcake Place: The Grand Finale

**Joe's Cupcake Place: The Grand Finale**

He buys a ticket and jumps on a plane, and then takes a crowded train to this small remote city. He wakes up before dawn the next morning. The streets are empty and the air is sweet. He stands still in front of his destination. It is said that if you toss a gold coin into the fountain just when the sun rises, your wish will be granted. That's why he's here. To make things right. To regain his happiness.

The sun rises. He closes his eyes, tosses the coin, and makes his wish. The beautiful scent of butter, sugar, and freshly baked cakes fills the air. He opens his eyes and smiles widely as the soft and fluffy Cupcake God materializes in the morning light. His heart leaps in joy. He wants to do a happy dance. He'll have his Cupcake back. He'll be the father of his Cupcake's child. He'll reopen his cupcake place. He'll have a Happily Ever After. He's a good cop, he's a good man, it's only fair that he has a perfect ending—

"Sorry, Joe. No can do." The Cupcake God says almost apologetically before disappearing in a cloud of colorful sprinkles. "You are too hairy."

He drops down to his knees and bursts out crying. His tears taste like buttercream, chocolate flavor. He cries, and cries, and cries. The world moves on without him.

 


	35. A Midsummer Night's Dream

**A Midsummer Night's Dream**

He wakes up feeling dizzy. For a moment he doesn't know where he is. The bed is narrow and slightly uncomfortable. The lingering fruity scent in the air smells sweet. He sits up and feels strangely tired. It's barely 7 o'clock in the morning. His stomach groans loudly. He can vaguely hear the sound of TV coming from somewhere in the building. He needs a long hot shower. Then he'll find himself something to eat.

The water is at best lukewarm. He dries himself with the threadbare towel and looks at himself in the mirror. Tired blue eyes look back at him. He looks down and sees the breasts. He blinks. He frowns slightly. He smells sour sweat and garlic. Slowly he turns toward the bathroom door. The familiar man stands there and smiles seductively at him.  _Morelli._ He thinks numbly as the lean Italian starts to strip. He widens his eyes a fraction at the naked male body.  _Hairy._   _So hairy._ He thinks of monkeys and chimpanzees.

"Cupcake, come here." The naked hairy smiling man crooks a finger at him.

He raises a brow.

He almost laughs.

He snorts out loud.

_Wild animal sex, indeed._

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew." He says.

The confused look on Morelli's face amuses him.

The world fades out around him.

He wakes up in his own bed, the disgust in his voice still ringing in his ears. He just had the weirdest dream.  _A naked Morelli. Geez._  He gets out of bed, takes a quick but thorough shower, and starts his day with a cup of organic green tea. It's just another day in his life. And he's still an opportunist.

She wakes up feeling dizzy. For a moment she doesn't know where she is. Her bed is still too narrow. Her mattress is still uncomfortable. Alas she doesn't have enough money to replace either of them. It's yet another day in her life. It's barely 7 o'clock in the morning and she's already hungry. She'll grab a shower after feeding Rex and finding herself something to eat. She gets out of bed and stops to sniff the air. She widens her eyes at the slight trace of the familiar wonderful scent.

Ranger was here? Watching her sleep?Why the Hell didn't she wake up in time and persuade him to let her have her way with him? Oh, yeah, she's still kind of in a relationship. With the fabulous Mr. Joseph A. Morelli. Whom she sometimes feels like marrying. She lets of a sigh and pads into her small bare kitchen. Why can't life be easier? Why does everything have to be so complicated?  _Why me?_ She drops a handful of raisins into the glass aquarium and scarfs down the leftover birthday cake like a starving beast.  _Stop lying to yourself, Stephanie._  She drinks a glass of tap water and wipes her mouth clean.  _You know whom you truly love. You know where your heart is._

_Yeah, if only it's that easy._ She rolls her eyes at herself and turns her head toward the front door as someone tall dark and movie star handsome enters without knocking. Why should he bother? They have each other's keys. And sometimes, when they're both in the right mood, they'll talk about marriage. And kids. And then they—or rather she—will suddenly wake up from the ridiculous dream and run away screaming.

"Yo." She says. It's tough having a relationship with an ambitious cop. She hasn't seen or him for a couple weeks. Her smile feels fake. Hopefully not to him.

"Cupcake," Joe Morelli gives her his charming bad boy smile and crooks a finger at her as he starts loosening the buttons of his pale blue shirt, his voice as thick as honey, his chest matted with curly dark hair. "Come here."

Suddenly she hears Ranger's voice in her ears. Suddenly she thinks of monkeys and chimpanzees. Suddenly she can't stand the sight of the dense chest hair. Suddenly she wants to laugh, to snort, to raise a brow.  _Wild animal sex at 07:15 on a breezy summer morning? Hairy. So hairy. Geez._

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew." She says. With a disgusted frown. She meant every syllable she pronounced.

There's something all the duct tape in the world can't fix. All of a sudden she longs for Ranger's muscular Mocha Latte smooth bare chest. So smooth. So warm. So real. She grabs her bag and fishes for her keys. She pays no attention to the confused, shocked look on Morelli's face. She brushes past him and heads out the door.

"Cupcake! Wait!" Joe Morelli staggers out of her door into the hallway with his jeans halfway down his hairy legs. The disbelief in his voice is heavier than a ton of bricks.

Stephanie turns to cast a final glance at the half-naked Morelli. She looks cure in her little tank top and shorts. Her smile is bright and wide and carefree. She has a man to catch before he slips through her fingers forever. She has no time to waste. She has to hurry. She's already halfway down the staircase when she finally calls out with a happy voice:

"Sorry, Joe. You are too hairy!"

Joe Morelli stands frozen gaping, willing, wishing, praying his ex-girlfriend to return.

_Well_ ,  _ain't_   _that_   _obvious_. Old Mrs. McDonald, Stephanie's new next-door neighbor, observes as she opens the door to get her newspaper. The young man reminds her of the big black bear she saw in a circus a long long time ago when she was still a little kid.

 

**A Midsummer Night's Dream**


	36. Hair! (Nope, Not the Musical)

**Hair! (Nope, Not the Musical)**

The crazy lonely witch stole him from his parents the day her black cat died.

She flew back to the enchanted forest on her broomstick and locked him inside the tall stone tower.

He grew up into a tall handsome man.

His smile was sweeter than the finest chocolate, his eyes brighter than the sun.

The birds sang to him.

The wind whispered stories in his ears.

He wanted to see the world.

He wanted to be free.

The witch treated him well, but he hated feeling lonely.

On his 18th birthday, the old old witch fell very very sick.

She knew her time was up.

She took hold of his hand and gazed him in the eyes. "My dearest Joseph, you will be free to leave this tower the day you find true love."

The witch died and melted away into nothing.

He cried, cried, and cried.

Then one day, a princess came.

She had clear blue eyes, and wild crazy hair.

He leaned against the window as she looked up toward the tower.

He fell in love.

He knew he had to find a way to get out of the tower.

He looked down at himself and thought of a greatest idea.

He braided his long dense curly chest hair into a ladder and threw it out of the tower window.

The princess widened her eyes and gasped.

Her giant white horse got frightened and plunged and neighed.

"Geez."The princess said, turned the horse around, and ran away without a backward glance.

"Wait!" He panicked and yelled, "Cupcake, stop!"

The princess didn't stop.

She ran all the way back to the castle and, years later, married the love of her life, a tall muscular Mocha Latte pirate who had a Million Dollar Smile and a heart of gold.

And up to this day, the lonely hairy man is still locked inside the tall stone tower, waiting for his true love to come.

Sometimes when the wind brushes past the trees in the enchanted forest, you can hear the desperate whispers if you try hard enough:

"Cupcake..."

"Cupcake..."

"Wait..."

 


	37. Fin

**Fin**

The storyteller accepts the drink with a simple smile. He takes a sip and turns to face the tall dark man.   

"Tell me another story." The half-drunk man demands.   

The storyteller catches a glimpse of the man's burning pain. He puts down the glass and considers which story to tell. Will this man understand the morale of the story? Can this man handle the truth? Is this man willing to change? Is he capable to learn? Or will he just snort, laugh, and then get himself drunker? The storyteller looks into the man's dark bright eyes and makes his decision. He never lies. He cannot lie. The ending is already written.   

"It's too late." The storyteller quietly says. "She has given her heart to someone else." 

The man stares at the storyteller.   

The man laughed and staggers off the stool, his Italian eyes shine under the light.  

"No shit, Sherlock."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	38. Hills Like White Cupcakes

**Hills Like White Cupcakes**

It's worth a try. Maybe he will get lucky. Maybe she will say yes. Maybe she will change. He's willing to take the risk. Or chance. He's not getting any younger. The clock is ticking. Just yesterday he found his first grey hair. He's getting old. He can feel it in his bones. He can see it in his deepening wrinkles. It's time to end this game. He will get down on one knee. He will present her with the cupcake, and the ring. It's a Bulgari. Platinum and round cut diamond. Cost him a fortune and several limbs. He'll make it worth it. He'll paint her life with happiness. He'll give her children. They will, hopefully, have her blue eyes and his charming smile. He will give her no reason to regret. His dreams will be fulfilled. Yes, she will be happy, so happy. She may even burst into tear when he holds her captive with his enchanting Italian eyes and asks, "Cupcake, will you marry me?"

He turns on the TV and starts waiting. He tries his best to hide his nervousness and anxiety when she lets herself in. The aroma of pizza and sub fill the room. He breathes in the sweet scent of parsley, cheese, rosemary, and thyme. This will be the most perfect Sunday night. They sit down on the couch, watching the baseball game, eating, occasionally chatting. He can already picture their happy family. The smell of sour milk and diapers. The sound of baby laughing. Bob's happy barking. He wipes the tomato sauce off his lip. He washes down the food with a gulp of beer. The hitter hit a home run off the pitcher. The fans cheer. This is it. Time to make things right. Time to make that leap.

He stands up and strides into his small but tidy kitchen. Soon it's going to be well-equipped. He knows she will love the cupcake. He believes she will accept the ring. He walks back into the living room and gets down on his knee. He smiles as her eyes widen. In his hands is a giant Boston Cream cupcake with a beautiful diamond ring on top. It's a promise, a sacred bond, a ticket to a lifelong happiness.

"Cupcake," his eyes twinkle as his smile deepens, "will you ma—"

His big orange drooling dog shows up from nowhere and, in one gulp, devours the cupcake, the ring, and his ability to speak. He gapes and gawks at the empty plate in his slightly trembling as the dog burps, farts, wiggles its tail, and trots away. He blinks. He looks up. He sees the look on Stephanie's face. He knows what her answer is long before she finally manages to squeak, "Joe, I'm sorry" and then escapes. He stays kneeling on the floor till the ball game ends. He gets up, staggers upstairs, crawls into bed and pulls the blanket over his head. He has no idea who won and who lost. He doesn't give a damn.

A part of him knew all along this was a big mistake.


	39. he Moon Also Rises

**The Moon Also Rises**

He has to try again. He can't give up now. It's about love. It's about trust. It's about truth. It's about Christmas. It's about Thanksgiving. It's about Halloween. It's about fate. It's about the future. It's about determination. It's about his happiness. He's this close to his ultimate dream. So he takes a really deep breath through his mouth to calm himself. So he puts on two pairs of gloves. No pain, no gain. He keeps telling himself, trying his best not to throw up. Hey, it's a Bulgari!

He gives a shaky laugh.

Bob the dog chews on the already chewed-up couch and farts.

He sets out to win his princess's heart.

The crowd inside Pino's falls silent as he goes down on one knee.

"Geez, Morelli." Stephanie looks at the ring appalled and, well, disgusted, her eye starts twitching. "Are you freaking kidding me?"

Life ain't a fairy tale.


	40. Just One Look

**Just One Look**

It's just a kiss.

Ever so softly. Lands on her lips.

He feels the throbbing of his heart. He wants to, but can't blink. Nor think. And suddenly, he realizes. What they have between them is like an onion. A couple drops of tears on the face. A lingering tangy taste in the mouth. Under all those layers of pretense, there's nothing inside. He always loves garlic. He's never crazy about onions. He simply can't stand that sweetness. But occasionally, when he's out with his families or friends, he will order a plate of onion rings, and wash them down with a mug of beer. Sometimes he doesn't even understand himself. He turns around, and walks away. He tries not to make a sound. Something cracks, break, and shatters. Deep down within. He tries not to wince.

He saw the look in Stephanie's eyes. He knows he should smile and shrug it off. But his heart is tired. Too tired. Walk away with head held high? LOL. Easier said than done. He wishes he can kiss like that. Passionately and gently. Possessively yet tenderly. He wishes he has that Latino fire. He wishes he has that almost there smile. Shining Porsche. Mocha Latte arms. The silent calmness. The crazy charm. He walks past his car. He walks down the street. He stops for a red light. He doesn't know where he's heading. His cell phone chirps in his pocket. He takes a left turn and chooses not to hear it. He's busy trying to keep his mind blissfully empty. What he saw can't be unseen. He keeps walking.

It's just a kiss in the alley. A light, stolen kiss. He almost couldn't breathe when their lips met. And he just stood there, watching. He couldn't even blink. He feels so frustrated that he wanna scream. He's angry with himself. He knew this day would come. But still he held on. And did nothing. He dared not confront Stephanie. When life gives you lemons, hang in there, baby. He once tried to call her babe. He looked into her eyes and soon lost the courage. There are some lines you shouldn't cross. Keep your fingers crossed. Pray harder. Harder. And harder. He allows himself a raspy laugh.

The July afternoon sun shines down upon him, making him dizzy. If only he has the pair of military issue mirror sunglasses. He stops at a coffee and cupcake place. He gulps down the iced coffee. He bites into the sea salt caramel cupcake. The rich buttery flavor explodes in his mouth. He gets up from his table and buys two more.

It tastes like the purple elephant's tears.


	41. A Holiday Special Chapter

**~A Holiday Special Chapter~**

**The Epic Van Damme Split—Channing Tatum Version**

"Piece of cake." He laughs his easy laugh, confidence bright on his handsome face. "No sweat."

His pals roll their eyes. All the pretty single ladies hold their breath.

Crash!

Thud!

Snap!

The sexy ladies scream. The muscular men snort.

"Somebody call Ranger!" Lester Santos squeaks. "I think I might have sprained something in my groin."

 


End file.
